Hipster Union

Here’s the Character Sheet for Jesus if he was a high-powered AD&D character. “Jesus rolls a 14 and once again, Jesus Saves.”

Just a little stupidity I felt like posting, keeping up my completely sacreligious mood. I guess Pesach just heightened my awareness of some of the goofiness of organized religion. Also, the Christian Conservatives make it so easy to make fun of Jesus.

Jesus has a 30 in Constitution which gives Him a +10 modifier to His saving throws. His 23 in Wisdom gives Him a +6 bonus to sense who will betray Him. Jesus also gets a movement bonus from His +2 Sandals of Striding. He is an Epic Cleric and can cast Resurrection twice a day. He can also cast Cure Serious Wounds once a day and Cure Blindness once a day. After becoming a Level 23 Messiah, Jesus gaining Spontaneous Casting (Cure Light Wounds). Because Jesus is half-celestial (son of God, yo! Respect!), He has darkvision to 60 ft.

And remember, if Jesus is killed, three days later, He comes back to life thanks to His “Spurn Death’s Touch” epic level feat. I wonder if He gets a bonus against kobolds. Boy, it’s a good thing I don’t believe in hell or I’d really be in trouble.

That’s right. Jesus was a cleric, proving that “Cleric” isn’t a completely p**sy-class. Now to finish the character sheets for the rest of the party, including Peter the Paladin, Thomas the Barbarian, and Judas the True Neutral Ranger. (more…)