Hipster Union

I just finished reading God Is Not Great by Christopher Hitchens.  No matter what he says, Mr. Hitchens is, to a certain extent, just as irrational as one who believes in a god.  After all, the existence of a god, being based in faith, is unprovable.  The same applies to the non-existence of god.  There is a fundamental difference between “I don’t believe in god” (agnosticism) and “I believe in no god” (atheism).  The difference is that the latter involves active belief in the nonexistence of god, which is, in and of itself, a belief in god.Nevertheless, he raises some good points and the book is worth a reading.  Below is the Christopher Hitchens-brand “atheism” list of Why Bad Things Happen To Good People (i.e. You): (more…)

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Did you know that there are other team sports other than baseball that are played in June?  Living in New York, I sure didn’t.  I thought the only two sports were baseball and which Yankees player can create the biggest scandal (Jason Giambi might be this week’s winner after admiting that he previously used steroids).  Evidently, there are two other sports whose championships are going on right now.  One of these sports is called basket-ball. (more…)

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Last night, I went to see a friend play with the Woman which was unsurprisingly good.  I say “unsurprisingly” because Amy, the director (directrix?), is terrific and her productions are always good.  The other one-act in competition with Amy’s one-act was meandering and too loose for my liking.

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The air-conditioners have been on for about a week (the Woman’s freakishly-fast metabolism runs hot), we’re getting our first real summer rain, and I’ve been in polo shirts for the past five days. Even though summer is still three weeks away, it’s already here.

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I’m watching my Sunday morning news programmes which naturally are all discussing the 2008 Presidential election. And the best political quip (at least in terms of funniness) comes from Mayor Bloomberg, who does not wear a sash. When asked whether he will announce his candidacy for President, he responded with this brutally honest, almost Allenesque response:

How likely is a 5′7″Jew from New York billionaire who’s divorced and running as an independent to become president of the United States?

Well, I’m pulling for Michael Bloomberg. He’s pragmatic. If he wasn’t, he wouldn’t have run on the GOP ticket in 2002. Not only that, he’s pro-choice, pro-gun control, and anti-Iraq War. His position on congestion pricing shows he’s willing to do something about the environment even if it means pissing off voters.But most importantly, if he can be elected President, he will give hope to thousands of “short, stocky, slow-witted, bald men.” (more…)

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I guess nothing happened this weekend because the New York Times had an article about why Miss USA was booed at the Miss Universe pageant. Then again, looking at her (she’s second from right - neatly labeled “USA”), I’d probably boo her too. Her head is the same size as her waist. She’s a lollipop with boobs.  Uh-oh.  Now I made her cry.  It’s okay, honey. They weren’t saying “boo”; They were saying “Boo-urns.”

Miss Venezuela looks pretty hot. Mmmm…. Communist hotness. Who am I kidding?! A good stiff breeze would probably knock all five of them down. Mmmm…. beauty pageant contestant dogpile.  The New York Times correctly notes that Miss USA does not hold any official position in the government.

“She has no authority to declare war. She does not build border walls or round up undocumented immigrants. Those things are left to others, none of whom wear a sash.”

What?! Hold the phone. If I was President, I’d totally wear a sash.  Or a crown.  Or those fancy shoulder necklaces like Darth Vader Mustafa the Lion James Earl Jones wore in Coming to America.  Even if I was only mayor, I would still walk around all the freakin’ time with a sash that said the name of the office I held. Just like Mayor “Diamond” Joe Quimby or Mayor “Hypercholestolemia” McCheese.

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Ahh, summer. It the season when I remember why I will never be able to keep Kosher (or even be a vegetarian). There’s spare ribs to smoke, bacon cheeseburgers to grill, fish to catch, and Lipitor prescriptions to fill. As I gear up for my annual trip to the Outer Banks (OBX - respresent!), I stumbled on this New York Times recipe for soft-shell crab Poor Boy sandwiches Po’ Boys. Being in the New York Times, though, they call them “Poor Boy Sandwiches.” Facking Chardonnay-swilling Hampton-loving prats.

“THERE may be no bad way to prepare soft-shell crabs. They contain so much moisture they’re just about impossible to overcook, and they cook so quickly they’re hard to undercook. … Having said that, the near-universally favorite way to serve soft-shells is fried. Most people agree that the coating should contain some cornmeal, and that a quick dip in milk or eggs to thicken the coating and help it adhere is useful.

“When you put those fried crabs on bread, you have a riff on the New Orleans poor-boy. The specifics of this creation can be endlessly debated, but the fixings* usually include lettuce, tomato and mayonnaise. Oddly enough, the true poor-boy is made on less-than-fabulous bread, labeled “French” or “Italian” in supermarkets. The sandwich is vastly improved by removing some of the mushy white crumb, and toasting what is left.

“(After a few tries using better bread, I began to understand the logic: the best baguettes are too tough to use for stout fillings like the crabs.)“

O RLY? The New York Times understands a po’ boy. I beg to differ.

Here’s where I’m coming from: I eat sandwiches from skeevy joints. The best Cubano I’ve ever had was from a bat-and-tackle gas station shop called “Mervis Market” in Okeechobee, FL. I buy oysters by the peck at Awful Arthur’s, a raw bar in Nags Head, NC. I’ve eaten ribs from street vendors in DC who use an old oil drum for a smoker. I’ve knocked back beers while eating gator bits and conch fritters at a roadside dive in St. Augustine.  And I eat sliders from barmaids of ill-repute at dive bars in New York.  The New York Times writers eat cucumber sandwiches while windsurfing at Martha’s Vineyard.

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I’m serious. Undead monkey + gun = cool. There’s your unified field theory. I’m sure that Stephen Hawking is over in Cambridge right now, saying in his computer voice, “Holy fuck, why didn’t I think of that? Undead monkeys with guns solve everything, including the relationship between Newtonian physics and the behavior of quantum particles according to Einstein’s Special Theory of Relativity.” Bono, Henry Kissinger and Jimmy Carter have figured out how to bring peace to the Middle East, provide clean drinkable water to Third World nations, and get rid of land mines using an army of undead monkeys with guns. How can the Iraq War be salvaged? Undead monkeys with guns. Santa, if you’re listening, all I want for Christmukkah is an undead monkey with a gun. Sphere: Related Content

1. Pirates get drunk.
2. Pirates get drunk a lot.
3. Pirates rape, pillage, murder and drink.
4. Two words: Undead monkey
5. A ninja who gets his leg cut off is useless. A pirate who gets his leg cut off is captain.
6. Dead pirates go to Davy Jones’ locker. Dead ninjas go to the city morgue.
7. Pirates use gunpowder as a weapon, not a distraction.
8. Pirates have a super-cool logo - the Jolly Roger.
9. The song goes, “Yo ho, Yo ho, a pirate’s life for me!” Notice that there is no version for “a ninja’s life.”
10. Pirates have treasure.
11. Pirates carry their money around in a much more ornate fashion - the treasure chest.
12. Ninjas have no money and have to roommate with people. That’s why they’re so stealthy. So they can be good roommates. Pirates can live anywhere they want by killing the people who already live there.
13. Did I mention that the Undead Monkey has a gun?
14. Pirate lingo is much more lively than ninja lingo - largely because ninjas aren’t allowed to speak.
15. Pirates can keep all manner of pets - parrots, monkeys (sometimes undead) - you name it. Ninjas aren’t allowed to keep pets because they usually have allergies and will break out in hives.
16. There aren’t any professional sports teams named after ninjas.
17. Pirates don’t need stealth. Hiding is for pussies.
18. Pirates keep their stash of loot in cool wooden chests whose locations are marked on wicked awesome maps. Ninjas keep their money in no-interest checking accounts and get charged lots of fees by their banks. That’s because ninjas are idiots.
19. Pirates wear more than just pajamas and they never wear spandex. Only pussies like ninjas wear spandex.
20. Ninjas are uptight all the time. Once, a ninja sneezed and he had to kill himself by drinking acid. That’s how insecure they are.
21. Pirates can conquer entire towns. If you don’t believe me, I guess you never played “Sid Meier’s Pirates!”
22. Ninjas kill people who look at them funny. Pirates kill people just because.
23. Internet piracy is the scourge of the 21st Century. There is no such thing as an “internet ninja.”
24. Pirate movies are more fun than ninja movies.
25. Sequels to pirate movies are more fun than sequels to ninja movies. TMNT 3: Secret of the Ooze, I’m looking at you.
26. Movies with pirates make WAAAAAY more money than movies with ninjas.
27. Pirates have cool superstitions and legends. Ninjas have allergies and neuroses.
28. Han Solo was a pirate.
29. Although Batman got hisself some ninja training, he quit the Brotherhood. The reason? ‘Cuz ninjas are pussies.
30. If you kill a ninja, you’re safe. Just because you killed one pirate doesn’t mean his pirate friends won’t still kill and rape you - maybe in that order.
31. Give a pirate a bottle of rum and he’ll go on a three day bender in which he rapes anything that moves (livestock included), breaks into every storefront, and kills everything else. Give a ninja some rum and he’ll make you a gay-ass Mojito.
32. Speaking of rum, no distilled spirit has ever been named for a famous ninja.
33. That’s because you can’t become famous by being a ninja.
34. Pirates have a much cooler mode of transportation.
35. Ninjas don’t get to use cannons.
36. They don’t get to use guns either.
37. There are no rides at Disneyland devoted to the ninja lifestyle. That is because there are no robot ninjas.
38. The Walt Disney Corporation has to carry insurance just in case the robot pirates go all “Kill All Humans!” (I have no proof of this claim. It is pure speculation)
39. Pirates have cool names like “Blackbeard” and “Bluebeard” and “Jack Rackham.” Ninjas have gay names like “Gary” and “Steve.”
40. Pirates have their own currency.
41. Pirates actually become scarier when they get prosthetic limbs.
42. Ninjas can’t mutiny.
43. Ninjas don’t get to feed people to sharks.
44. Pirates travel to all manner of sun-drenched tropical destinations.
45. Pirates don’t get all cranky and flip out and kill people who drop their spoons. They just laugh at them and then go back and kill them later.
46. Pirates don’t have to pay for ANYTHING.
47. Ninjas don’t ravage serving wenches. In fact, most are too insecure to even order a drink from a serving wench.

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A month ago, I wrote about Fairway’s House Blend. Well, about a week ago, FreshDirect, which is owned and operated by Fairway, came to my building. YAY!!! food delivery. For $32, I got enough food to feed me and The Woman for a week, including coffee.

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