UPDATED: 47 Reasons Why Pirates Are WAAAAAY Cooler Than Ninjas
I’ve updated my list of reasons why, if forced to choose between being a Pirate or being a Ninja, any self-respected 8 year-old should pick the Pirate option. Here’s the highlights, or you can read the full list under Pages.
- Pirates have a much cooler mode of transportation.
- Ninjas don’t get to use cannons.
- They don’t get to use guns either.
- A ninja missing a leg is useless. A pirate missing a leg is the captain.
- Two words: Undead monkey
- Dead pirates go to Davy Jones’ locker. Dead ninjas go to the city morgue.
- Han Solo was a pirate.
- Although Batman got hisself some ninja training, he quit the Brotherhood. The reason? ‘Cuz ninjas are pussies.
- Pirate movies are more fun than ninja movies.
- Sequels to pirate movies are more fun than sequels to ninja movies. TMNT 3: Secret of the Ooze, I’m looking at you.
- Movies with pirates make WAAAAAY more money than movies with ninjas.
- Pirates keep their stash of loot in cool wooden chests whose locations are marked on wicked awesome maps. Ninjas keep their money in no-interest checking accounts and get charged lots of fees by their banks. That’s because ninjas are idiots.
- Pirates have cool superstitions and legends. Ninjas have allergies and neuroses.
- Did I mention that the Undead Monkey has a gun?
- Give a pirate a bottle of rum and he’ll go on a three day bender in which he rapes anything that moves (livestock included), breaks into every storefront, and kills everything else. Give a ninja some rum and he’ll make you a gay-ass Mojito.
- Speaking of rum, no distilled spirit has ever been named for a famous ninja.
- That’s because you can’t become famous by being a ninja.
- There are no rides at Disneyland devoted to the ninja lifestyle. That is because there are no robot ninjas.
- The Walt Disney Corporation has to carry insurance just in case the robot pirates go all “Kill All Humans!” (I have no proof of this claim. It is pure speculation)
- Pirates have cool names like “Blackbeard” and “Bluebeard” and “Jack Rackham.” Ninjas have gay names like “Gary” and “Steve.”
- Ninjas don’t ravage serving wenches. In fact, most are too insecure to even order a drink from a serving wench.
Tags: blackbeard, bluebeard, cool names, davy jones locker, jack rackham, neuroses, ninja movies, ninja training, Ninjas, rapes, secret of the ooze, undead monkey, walt disney, walt disney corporation, wooden chests