Hipster Union

1. Pirates get drunk.
2. Pirates get drunk a lot.
3. Pirates rape, pillage, murder and drink.
4. Two words: Undead monkey
5. A ninja who gets his leg cut off is useless. A pirate who gets his leg cut off is captain.
6. Dead pirates go to Davy Jones’ locker. Dead ninjas go to the city morgue.
7. Pirates use gunpowder as a weapon, not a distraction.
8. Pirates have a super-cool logo - the Jolly Roger.
9. The song goes, “Yo ho, Yo ho, a pirate’s life for me!” Notice that there is no version for “a ninja’s life.”
10. Pirates have treasure.
11. Pirates carry their money around in a much more ornate fashion - the treasure chest.
12. Ninjas have no money and have to roommate with people. That’s why they’re so stealthy. So they can be good roommates. Pirates can live anywhere they want by killing the people who already live there.
13. Did I mention that the Undead Monkey has a gun?
14. Pirate lingo is much more lively than ninja lingo - largely because ninjas aren’t allowed to speak.
15. Pirates can keep all manner of pets - parrots, monkeys (sometimes undead) - you name it. Ninjas aren’t allowed to keep pets because they usually have allergies and will break out in hives.
16. There aren’t any professional sports teams named after ninjas.
17. Pirates don’t need stealth. Hiding is for pussies.
18. Pirates keep their stash of loot in cool wooden chests whose locations are marked on wicked awesome maps. Ninjas keep their money in no-interest checking accounts and get charged lots of fees by their banks. That’s because ninjas are idiots.
19. Pirates wear more than just pajamas and they never wear spandex. Only pussies like ninjas wear spandex.
20. Ninjas are uptight all the time. Once, a ninja sneezed and he had to kill himself by drinking acid. That’s how insecure they are.
21. Pirates can conquer entire towns. If you don’t believe me, I guess you never played “Sid Meier’s Pirates!”
22. Ninjas kill people who look at them funny. Pirates kill people just because.
23. Internet piracy is the scourge of the 21st Century. There is no such thing as an “internet ninja.”
24. Pirate movies are more fun than ninja movies.
25. Sequels to pirate movies are more fun than sequels to ninja movies. TMNT 3: Secret of the Ooze, I’m looking at you.
26. Movies with pirates make WAAAAAY more money than movies with ninjas.
27. Pirates have cool superstitions and legends. Ninjas have allergies and neuroses.
28. Han Solo was a pirate.
29. Although Batman got hisself some ninja training, he quit the Brotherhood. The reason? ‘Cuz ninjas are pussies.
30. If you kill a ninja, you’re safe. Just because you killed one pirate doesn’t mean his pirate friends won’t still kill and rape you - maybe in that order.
31. Give a pirate a bottle of rum and he’ll go on a three day bender in which he rapes anything that moves (livestock included), breaks into every storefront, and kills everything else. Give a ninja some rum and he’ll make you a gay-ass Mojito.
32. Speaking of rum, no distilled spirit has ever been named for a famous ninja.
33. That’s because you can’t become famous by being a ninja.
34. Pirates have a much cooler mode of transportation.
35. Ninjas don’t get to use cannons.
36. They don’t get to use guns either.
37. There are no rides at Disneyland devoted to the ninja lifestyle. That is because there are no robot ninjas.
38. The Walt Disney Corporation has to carry insurance just in case the robot pirates go all “Kill All Humans!” (I have no proof of this claim. It is pure speculation)
39. Pirates have cool names like “Blackbeard” and “Bluebeard” and “Jack Rackham.” Ninjas have gay names like “Gary” and “Steve.”
40. Pirates have their own currency.
41. Pirates actually become scarier when they get prosthetic limbs.
42. Ninjas can’t mutiny.
43. Ninjas don’t get to feed people to sharks.
44. Pirates travel to all manner of sun-drenched tropical destinations.
45. Pirates don’t get all cranky and flip out and kill people who drop their spoons. They just laugh at them and then go back and kill them later.
46. Pirates don’t have to pay for ANYTHING.
47. Ninjas don’t ravage serving wenches. In fact, most are too insecure to even order a drink from a serving wench.

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