Tourist Hunting Season Officially Opens
There was an article in the New York Times this morning, bemoaning the beginning of tourist season. Why do I mention it? Because of this paragraph:
“Especially this year, which according to statistics compiled by New York City, is likely to be a very big year for foreign tourists around here. The dollar is cheap. The shopping is endless.
And about seven million foreign visitors are expected in the city — the highest number since before 9/11 — mainly from Britain, Ireland, France, Italy, Spain, Scandinavia and Germany.
This is good news for New York, of course. Foreigners who vacation in the United States spend about four times as much as American tourists do.”
First off, good job America. Way to ignore the warning signs about the Euro becoming a dominant force and Asian investment in the dollar. Foreign markets are moving away from the dollar, China is holding our currency hostage because they hold so god-damned much of it, and a “service-based economy” is starting to look like W’s only solid prediction. Except it won’t be Americans selling crap to other Americans; it will be Americans selling crap to tourists. That said, now for my main point:
F*ck you, New York Times! While you’re eating cucumber sandwiches and drinking Chardonnay and having clam bakes and windsurfing and playing golf in the Hamptons, the rest of us working stiffs will have to deal with these a**holes from distant lands. Which is why I think that we real New Yorkers need to find a summer pastime other than Yankees/Mets baseball: big-game hunting. Not just any big-game. The most dangerous game of all - man.
Think of it, we’re New York F*cking City. We have a respectably high murder rate, although we’re no Detroit. So I say we show our mad skillz to the world. I call truce on all New Yorkers and open warfare of tourists.
The Times admits that tourists can be a**holes too, mentioning the following:
“Let it be said that no group holds a monopoly on the title of “ugly.”
Tip-stiffing, line-jumping, excessive price-haggling, sidewalk-blocking-when-stopping-suddenly-to-take -pictures-of-a-person-playing-the-steel-drums —
none of these are unique to any national group.”
This last group caused my mom to break her right fifth metatarsal. Seriously. A group of a**hole tourists stopped in the middle of the sidewalk to take pictures of some bullsh*t. My mom stepped off the curb to get around them - right into a pothole, breaking her foot. F*cking tourists.
Here’s a fun fact from the article:
“Expedia, the online travel service, conducted a survey of tourist boards around the world that rated British tourists as the most obnoxious. Some people in the tourism world claim that the Chinese, the newest wave of world travelers, are even more so.
“Last summer, in an incident widely discussed among travel experts, she said, 40,000 Chinese tourists descended on the small German city of Trier to visit the birthplace of Karl Marx. ‘It was quite a mess,’ Professor Smith said. ‘No one was prepared ahead of time. The Germans were quite upset.’ “
Good idea. Piss off the Germans. It’s not like they don’t have a two-thousand year history of warfare, stretching from the Romans through WWII. And you thought they just knew about beer and nihilism.
Let’s use our world image to our advantage. Even though New York City didn’t vote for W, we’re still part of America and we’re still considered stupid, violent, ugly, uncouth, uncultured Americans. I know, I know - Staten Island voted for W. But Staten Island doesn’t count. I’m not apologizing. F*ck you, Staten Island. If the world thinks we’re belligerent and violent and ill-tempered, then the least we can do is live up to the part.
Start off small - hit camcorders out of the hands of Japanese tourists. Smash expensive DSLRs dangling from the necks of Europeans. Knock a**hole German backpackers off-balance when they block the door area of the subway with their rucksacks the size of Midwestern 10 year-olds. Eventually, move up to the big show. Instead of smashing the DSLR, use the strap to garrote the tourist. Give Italian tourists directions to East New York. Shove a Brit into a steam manhole.
That’ll learn ‘em.
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