Hipster Union

Ahh, summer. It the season when I remember why I will never be able to keep Kosher (or even be a vegetarian). There’s spare ribs to smoke, bacon cheeseburgers to grill, fish to catch, and Lipitor prescriptions to fill. As I gear up for my annual trip to the Outer Banks (OBX - respresent!), I stumbled on this New York Times recipe for soft-shell crab Poor Boy sandwiches Po’ Boys. Being in the New York Times, though, they call them “Poor Boy Sandwiches.” Facking Chardonnay-swilling Hampton-loving prats.

“THERE may be no bad way to prepare soft-shell crabs. They contain so much moisture they’re just about impossible to overcook, and they cook so quickly they’re hard to undercook. … Having said that, the near-universally favorite way to serve soft-shells is fried. Most people agree that the coating should contain some cornmeal, and that a quick dip in milk or eggs to thicken the coating and help it adhere is useful.

“When you put those fried crabs on bread, you have a riff on the New Orleans poor-boy. The specifics of this creation can be endlessly debated, but the fixings* usually include lettuce, tomato and mayonnaise. Oddly enough, the true poor-boy is made on less-than-fabulous bread, labeled “French” or “Italian” in supermarkets. The sandwich is vastly improved by removing some of the mushy white crumb, and toasting what is left.

“(After a few tries using better bread, I began to understand the logic: the best baguettes are too tough to use for stout fillings like the crabs.)“

O RLY? The New York Times understands a po’ boy. I beg to differ.

Here’s where I’m coming from: I eat sandwiches from skeevy joints. The best Cubano I’ve ever had was from a bat-and-tackle gas station shop called “Mervis Market” in Okeechobee, FL. I buy oysters by the peck at Awful Arthur’s, a raw bar in Nags Head, NC. I’ve eaten ribs from street vendors in DC who use an old oil drum for a smoker. I’ve knocked back beers while eating gator bits and conch fritters at a roadside dive in St. Augustine.  And I eat sliders from barmaids of ill-repute at dive bars in New York.  The New York Times writers eat cucumber sandwiches while windsurfing at Martha’s Vineyard.

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I’m serious. Undead monkey + gun = cool. There’s your unified field theory. I’m sure that Stephen Hawking is over in Cambridge right now, saying in his computer voice, “Holy fuck, why didn’t I think of that? Undead monkeys with guns solve everything, including the relationship between Newtonian physics and the behavior of quantum particles according to Einstein’s Special Theory of Relativity.” Bono, Henry Kissinger and Jimmy Carter have figured out how to bring peace to the Middle East, provide clean drinkable water to Third World nations, and get rid of land mines using an army of undead monkeys with guns. How can the Iraq War be salvaged? Undead monkeys with guns. Santa, if you’re listening, all I want for Christmukkah is an undead monkey with a gun. Sphere: Related Content

1. Pirates get drunk.
2. Pirates get drunk a lot.
3. Pirates rape, pillage, murder and drink.
4. Two words: Undead monkey
5. A ninja who gets his leg cut off is useless. A pirate who gets his leg cut off is captain.
6. Dead pirates go to Davy Jones’ locker. Dead ninjas go to the city morgue.
7. Pirates use gunpowder as a weapon, not a distraction.
8. Pirates have a super-cool logo - the Jolly Roger.
9. The song goes, “Yo ho, Yo ho, a pirate’s life for me!” Notice that there is no version for “a ninja’s life.”
10. Pirates have treasure.
11. Pirates carry their money around in a much more ornate fashion - the treasure chest.
12. Ninjas have no money and have to roommate with people. That’s why they’re so stealthy. So they can be good roommates. Pirates can live anywhere they want by killing the people who already live there.
13. Did I mention that the Undead Monkey has a gun?
14. Pirate lingo is much more lively than ninja lingo - largely because ninjas aren’t allowed to speak.
15. Pirates can keep all manner of pets - parrots, monkeys (sometimes undead) - you name it. Ninjas aren’t allowed to keep pets because they usually have allergies and will break out in hives.
16. There aren’t any professional sports teams named after ninjas.
17. Pirates don’t need stealth. Hiding is for pussies.
18. Pirates keep their stash of loot in cool wooden chests whose locations are marked on wicked awesome maps. Ninjas keep their money in no-interest checking accounts and get charged lots of fees by their banks. That’s because ninjas are idiots.
19. Pirates wear more than just pajamas and they never wear spandex. Only pussies like ninjas wear spandex.
20. Ninjas are uptight all the time. Once, a ninja sneezed and he had to kill himself by drinking acid. That’s how insecure they are.
21. Pirates can conquer entire towns. If you don’t believe me, I guess you never played “Sid Meier’s Pirates!”
22. Ninjas kill people who look at them funny. Pirates kill people just because.
23. Internet piracy is the scourge of the 21st Century. There is no such thing as an “internet ninja.”
24. Pirate movies are more fun than ninja movies.
25. Sequels to pirate movies are more fun than sequels to ninja movies. TMNT 3: Secret of the Ooze, I’m looking at you.
26. Movies with pirates make WAAAAAY more money than movies with ninjas.
27. Pirates have cool superstitions and legends. Ninjas have allergies and neuroses.
28. Han Solo was a pirate.
29. Although Batman got hisself some ninja training, he quit the Brotherhood. The reason? ‘Cuz ninjas are pussies.
30. If you kill a ninja, you’re safe. Just because you killed one pirate doesn’t mean his pirate friends won’t still kill and rape you - maybe in that order.
31. Give a pirate a bottle of rum and he’ll go on a three day bender in which he rapes anything that moves (livestock included), breaks into every storefront, and kills everything else. Give a ninja some rum and he’ll make you a gay-ass Mojito.
32. Speaking of rum, no distilled spirit has ever been named for a famous ninja.
33. That’s because you can’t become famous by being a ninja.
34. Pirates have a much cooler mode of transportation.
35. Ninjas don’t get to use cannons.
36. They don’t get to use guns either.
37. There are no rides at Disneyland devoted to the ninja lifestyle. That is because there are no robot ninjas.
38. The Walt Disney Corporation has to carry insurance just in case the robot pirates go all “Kill All Humans!” (I have no proof of this claim. It is pure speculation)
39. Pirates have cool names like “Blackbeard” and “Bluebeard” and “Jack Rackham.” Ninjas have gay names like “Gary” and “Steve.”
40. Pirates have their own currency.
41. Pirates actually become scarier when they get prosthetic limbs.
42. Ninjas can’t mutiny.
43. Ninjas don’t get to feed people to sharks.
44. Pirates travel to all manner of sun-drenched tropical destinations.
45. Pirates don’t get all cranky and flip out and kill people who drop their spoons. They just laugh at them and then go back and kill them later.
46. Pirates don’t have to pay for ANYTHING.
47. Ninjas don’t ravage serving wenches. In fact, most are too insecure to even order a drink from a serving wench.

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A month ago, I wrote about Fairway’s House Blend. Well, about a week ago, FreshDirect, which is owned and operated by Fairway, came to my building. YAY!!! food delivery. For $32, I got enough food to feed me and The Woman for a week, including coffee.

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There was an article in the New York Times this morning, bemoaning the beginning of tourist season. Why do I mention it? Because of this paragraph:

“Especially this year, which according to statistics compiled by New York City, is likely to be a very big year for foreign tourists around here. The dollar is cheap. The shopping is endless.

And about seven million foreign visitors are expected in the city — the highest number since before 9/11 — mainly from Britain, Ireland, France, Italy, Spain, Scandinavia and Germany.

This is good news for New York, of course. Foreigners who vacation in the United States spend about four times as much as American tourists do.”

First off, good job America. Way to ignore the warning signs about the Euro becoming a dominant force and Asian investment in the dollar. Foreign markets are moving away from the dollar, China is holding our currency hostage because they hold so god-damned much of it, and a “service-based economy” is starting to look like W’s only solid prediction. Except it won’t be Americans selling crap to other Americans; it will be Americans selling crap to tourists. That said, now for my main point:

F*ck you, New York Times! While you’re eating cucumber sandwiches and drinking Chardonnay and having clam bakes and windsurfing and playing golf in the Hamptons, the rest of us working stiffs will have to deal with these a**holes from distant lands. Which is why I think that we real New Yorkers need to find a summer pastime other than Yankees/Mets baseball: big-game hunting. Not just any big-game. The most dangerous game of all - man.

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Productivity versus morale.  The great question of every friday before a holiday weekend.  Do you stay open to get work done or do you let out early to increase morale.

For hard-ass jobs, it’s not really a question.  Choose productivity.  However, for this approach, you need consistency.  In this age of intraoffice e-mail, it is Outlook Express that is watched, not the clock.  Now, if you never let people out early for a holiday weekend, no one will have any reason to watch for the little envelope icon because they will know that the e-mail reprieve is not coming.  It’s like Jeffrey Dahmer waiting for a call from the governor.

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Tomorrow’s forecast: 88 degrees, 60% humidity, no clouds, and abundant sunshine. As it turns out, I have an office day. Polo, khakis, and boat shoes. And those suckers across the street at L&J will be in suits.

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Another beautiful day spent in my cube.  At least I don’t have a window to stare out of, which would no doubt just endlessly irk me.  I’ve calmed down after my morning outrage involving the toothpaste.  And in this little work-lull, I realize one of the things I miss about L&J.  Office Jackassery.

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Here’s the Character Sheet for Jesus if he was a high-powered AD&D character. “Jesus rolls a 14 and once again, Jesus Saves.”

Just a little stupidity I felt like posting, keeping up my completely sacreligious mood. I guess Pesach just heightened my awareness of some of the goofiness of organized religion. Also, the Christian Conservatives make it so easy to make fun of Jesus.

Jesus has a 30 in Constitution which gives Him a +10 modifier to His saving throws. His 23 in Wisdom gives Him a +6 bonus to sense who will betray Him. Jesus also gets a movement bonus from His +2 Sandals of Striding. He is an Epic Cleric and can cast Resurrection twice a day. He can also cast Cure Serious Wounds once a day and Cure Blindness once a day. After becoming a Level 23 Messiah, Jesus gaining Spontaneous Casting (Cure Light Wounds). Because Jesus is half-celestial (son of God, yo! Respect!), He has darkvision to 60 ft.

And remember, if Jesus is killed, three days later, He comes back to life thanks to His “Spurn Death’s Touch” epic level feat. I wonder if He gets a bonus against kobolds. Boy, it’s a good thing I don’t believe in hell or I’d really be in trouble.

That’s right. Jesus was a cleric, proving that “Cleric” isn’t a completely p**sy-class. Now to finish the character sheets for the rest of the party, including Peter the Paladin, Thomas the Barbarian, and Judas the True Neutral Ranger. (more…)

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